What must I confess? Nothing too exciting, really. If you are expecting some grand gossip, check another blog. :) I just thought that was a clever title to this post today... because I said my first confession on Tuesday.
Reconcilliation is a very good thing. Absolution is powerful. Of course, it all begins with me being willing to be fully honest, and to choose to trust the role of priest as a confessor.
Much of reconcilliation in the church is a personal journey into good mental health. As I learn to "Let go and let God" I want to enact this learning into my real life. Letting go of control is such a grace! I remember that there was a time when I was terrified to let go of control. Now I cannot imagine the fear I had. Being able to admit that I don't control everything is what keeps me sane now.
So after years... decades... of journeying, I am ready to lay my humility- my confessions- at the feet of Christ. I told Fr. the truth about myself. Fr. acted as a vessel to contain my sins and offer them to Jesus. And amazingly, Jesus took my sins, drinking them from the vessel as I hope to consume His body and blood, and He forgave them.
This process reminds me of a dream I had in the past year. I was having flashbacks of the man who abused me. Despite years of intense treatment, sometimes the flashbacks come. I prayed to God to get me through. During this time, I had a beautiful dream laced with golden light. All my dreams that I have, when I KNOW God is with me, are laced with golden light- a light so real that it seems like solid flecks. And in this dream, God took the evil that the man inflicted upon me and others in his life, and took its black and sootiness in His huge hand. God held that evil. He was not afraid or affected by it. He held that evil and let it turn from a thick cloud to the thinest vapor of dust, then to a vague fog, and then it was replaced by that tangible, weighty golden light. I knew then that God is bigger than any evil. God's love is infinately powerful over any evil. Evil cannot even affect God, except that God feels incredible sorrow over evil.
Reconcilliation was like that. Jesus took the weight of my sins and swallowed them. They are nothing to Him. He is deeply sorrowful and compassionate in knowing that I have sinned, but the sins themselves are completely forgivable. It was as if Jesus had known my sins all along, had instantly forgiven them, but was waiting for me to come and hear Him tell me so. He forgave before I even asked.
But, I needed to ask.
That is my fiat. I must ask, and I must believe that he will say Yes to me. This is a covenant- a relationship. Very dimensional, deep and complex. And this relationship must stay alive and grow.
I did not think it would be this way, but I look forward to my next reconcilliation. Not because I want the reward of absolution, or the rush. But because I cannot get enough of that being with God.
I remember that I told G of some of my 'mystical' experiences. He helped me to frame them in my mind as truly significant, rather than poo-pooing them as tricks of the mind. G asked me to remember the FEELING and the SENSATION of being with God in that way. Was it different than other dreams or other experiences? Oh, yes. Way different. Being with God in this way is SO intense. During I feel so... warm. That is the only simple way I can explain it. And afterward I desire that feeling again- that connection with God. I desire it in a way that is unlike longing for a lover, or craving chocolate. The desire to have that back again in this moment is SO..... I have no words. I can set myself to tears easily wanting it back again.
God has given me these moments because my faith is so flawed. In some ways, God has given me these experiences- these moments of proof- because I am such a sinner. If I had amazing faith, God would not have needed to give me this kind of mercy. I cannot know what amazing faith is like- but I am grateful for those times God has given me. Oh, to be a woman of poor faith and get to have God whack me in the head with His love! LOL!
Maybe this is utter foolishness on my part. But because I am human, flawed, a sinner, I get the gift of God's mercy. And His gift is so amazing. If I was an angel, or a more perfect being, would I get to experience the visceral reality of God? I dont know. This is merely my human experience. And so I will take it.
My God! You know only too well what your mercy means to me. You understand it better than I do. But in my human-ness, I only know that I am grateful for You, and Your Son, His ever-compassionate and guarding Mother Mary. My gratitude is never enough to celebrate Your glory, but I must try.
Reconcilliation is a very good thing. Absolution is powerful. Of course, it all begins with me being willing to be fully honest, and to choose to trust the role of priest as a confessor.
Much of reconcilliation in the church is a personal journey into good mental health. As I learn to "Let go and let God" I want to enact this learning into my real life. Letting go of control is such a grace! I remember that there was a time when I was terrified to let go of control. Now I cannot imagine the fear I had. Being able to admit that I don't control everything is what keeps me sane now.
So after years... decades... of journeying, I am ready to lay my humility- my confessions- at the feet of Christ. I told Fr. the truth about myself. Fr. acted as a vessel to contain my sins and offer them to Jesus. And amazingly, Jesus took my sins, drinking them from the vessel as I hope to consume His body and blood, and He forgave them.
This process reminds me of a dream I had in the past year. I was having flashbacks of the man who abused me. Despite years of intense treatment, sometimes the flashbacks come. I prayed to God to get me through. During this time, I had a beautiful dream laced with golden light. All my dreams that I have, when I KNOW God is with me, are laced with golden light- a light so real that it seems like solid flecks. And in this dream, God took the evil that the man inflicted upon me and others in his life, and took its black and sootiness in His huge hand. God held that evil. He was not afraid or affected by it. He held that evil and let it turn from a thick cloud to the thinest vapor of dust, then to a vague fog, and then it was replaced by that tangible, weighty golden light. I knew then that God is bigger than any evil. God's love is infinately powerful over any evil. Evil cannot even affect God, except that God feels incredible sorrow over evil.
Reconcilliation was like that. Jesus took the weight of my sins and swallowed them. They are nothing to Him. He is deeply sorrowful and compassionate in knowing that I have sinned, but the sins themselves are completely forgivable. It was as if Jesus had known my sins all along, had instantly forgiven them, but was waiting for me to come and hear Him tell me so. He forgave before I even asked.
But, I needed to ask.
That is my fiat. I must ask, and I must believe that he will say Yes to me. This is a covenant- a relationship. Very dimensional, deep and complex. And this relationship must stay alive and grow.
I did not think it would be this way, but I look forward to my next reconcilliation. Not because I want the reward of absolution, or the rush. But because I cannot get enough of that being with God.
I remember that I told G of some of my 'mystical' experiences. He helped me to frame them in my mind as truly significant, rather than poo-pooing them as tricks of the mind. G asked me to remember the FEELING and the SENSATION of being with God in that way. Was it different than other dreams or other experiences? Oh, yes. Way different. Being with God in this way is SO intense. During I feel so... warm. That is the only simple way I can explain it. And afterward I desire that feeling again- that connection with God. I desire it in a way that is unlike longing for a lover, or craving chocolate. The desire to have that back again in this moment is SO..... I have no words. I can set myself to tears easily wanting it back again.
God has given me these moments because my faith is so flawed. In some ways, God has given me these experiences- these moments of proof- because I am such a sinner. If I had amazing faith, God would not have needed to give me this kind of mercy. I cannot know what amazing faith is like- but I am grateful for those times God has given me. Oh, to be a woman of poor faith and get to have God whack me in the head with His love! LOL!
Maybe this is utter foolishness on my part. But because I am human, flawed, a sinner, I get the gift of God's mercy. And His gift is so amazing. If I was an angel, or a more perfect being, would I get to experience the visceral reality of God? I dont know. This is merely my human experience. And so I will take it.
My God! You know only too well what your mercy means to me. You understand it better than I do. But in my human-ness, I only know that I am grateful for You, and Your Son, His ever-compassionate and guarding Mother Mary. My gratitude is never enough to celebrate Your glory, but I must try.
No comments:
Post a Comment