My Brain

This is my brain.

(Remember the "Brain on Drugs" commercials?)

OK. This is my brain: Today things are messed up. For the past week things have been off. PTSD symptoms are mild, but present. (Gratitude for mild symptoms!!) I am using my tools. I went to therapy, am taking GABA, upped my dose of Lexapro by 5mgs for a total of four days. I am doing Brain Gym as rec'ed by my therapist. This is simply some cross-lateral movements and brain coordination. It helps, much like a lite version of EMDR.

Forgive the "lite" reference in EMDR, aka Light Bar Therapy.

:)

Well, at least I can think logically, as long as I tackle one thing at a time. And I have an occasional sense of humor.

My brain is doing that thing where I 'lose' reality. Technically this is .... Rats! I am also losing my vocabulary. This is what happens. Dissociation. Whew! I remembered. I am dissociating a bit. When I have more time, I will link a reference for dissociation to explain it. In the past, I had a major fugue state. Fugue is not Bach, nor is it poisonous fish. Although those are both wonderful alternatives. I am having very mild, but scary symptoms of a fugue state. Dissociation and fugue are on a continuum of brain-zone-out. Too much shit to process. My brain quits.

My solutions- keep moving. Deal only with the most basic things: shower, dress, meds. Meals, one at a time. Talk to friends. Brain gym. Yoga.

I am reading a mystery novel for escapism. Too much serious emotion going on and I need a break. But part of me fears that I will escape too far and forget the difference between reality and fantasy.

When I had the fugue state before, I could not tell what was real. It was scary, to say the least. Disorienting would be a mild way to put it. The fear of experiencing this is more intense than the actual symptoms I am experiencing. So I can remind myself of this. Verbally. I can constantly remind myself of what I know is real: the birds outside; the traffic around me; my children- their eyes; a voice... I dont need to analyse. These simply are.

The fact that I can write coherently about this is a very good sign. :) When it is bad, I do not have the wherewithall to even think about spelling, much less forming sentences. I am just... alarmed at the possibility of things getting worse. Which they wont because I am using my tools.

One big tool:

(No offense God. I really mean 'tool' in a positive, non-derogatory way!)

Heavenly Father-
I know you get me through every moment, even when I do not think so. You are with me always, and I want to be more conscious of being with you always. You have helped me through far worse times, and you are helping me through this. You are allowing me to care for myself, and let you care for me, while YOU care for B & A, Fr. V, MM, JH, and all the others who are linked dearly into my life. Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit; As it was in the beginning, is NOW, and ever shall BE. World without end. Amen