NOT

I have a stressed out little boy at my house.

What to do? Or better yet, what NOT to do... From the day he was born (and possibly in utero) Little Brother has been a very sensory-sensitive child. About 2 seconds after he traveled into this world, I remember hearing the most God-awful squealing. He sounded like a stuck pig...and I have banded enough baby pigs to know exactly what that sounds like!

It was as if the world outside the womb was cold and harsh. The only comfort was mommie's arms, properly swaddled. Not too tight, no skin surface exposed to the slightest breath of air, but arms and legs able to move within the blanket. Rough for an August baby. Pretty much he had to be within inches, or preferably attached to, my naked nipple. Even in his sleep.

Some how, at night, because I was so exausted from this baby I could never put down, he would grudgingly sleep in a crib by my bed. I would get a few hours here and there to rest, untouched. But even then, his constant grunting and wriggling kept me worried. Any time I moved in bed, he would wail and I would nurse him.

Oh, if only I knew about co-sleeping and baby carrying at the time! I suspect he and I would both have been happier all around. But I did the best I could with the resources I had.

Noises seemed unbearable to Little Brother. A breeze on the skin was like an arctic blast. The wrong kind of movement; the baby swing, the car seat... these were torment. Unlike my first baby, he did not smile; did not look me in the eye. Of course I thought this was my doing. Proof that I was a failed parent. Sometimes I would scream in my own agony- the worst thing for this sensitive little life. By the time he was four months old, my days were consumed with nursing every two hours, with two hours of holding and soothing inbetween.

It didnt occur to me until much later on that my son could have a serious sensitivity to stimulus.

It also never occurred to me that carrying a baby all day and nursing on demand- even constant demand- was normal and even desirable! Too much of that American reaction to the thought of dependency upon another human creature.

So here we are, seven years later. I have a little boy who, for the past six months or so, has been somewhat miserable. The slightest upset prompts instant wailing that can be heard at the other end of our block. He constantly NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS some sort of physical comfort. He tells me so every 20 to 40 seconds in his most endearing and ear shaking plea. A glass of water. A snack. A backrub. A break from walking. A playmate. A toy. And, as you probably have guessed, the opposite of the above mentioned comforts as soon as he receives them.

The taste of food is a trigger. Any spice or flavoring beyond a dash of cinnamon or sugar is like poison in his mouth. He cries. He gags. He wants to throw up. The thought of going to an event crushes him. A playdate with friends is like walking the plank WITH sharks circling below. Going to the grocery store is some form of cruel and unusual torture. And of course, when those options are not available, he begs to go to a friend's house and go shopping! So what is the stress in my sensitive son's life that is boosting his quirks into the realm of extreme sensistivity?

I am trying hard to figure out what to do. But maybe I can work on what NOT to do.

My list of what NOT to do:

• First of all, I dont need to fix him. He is not broken. As Kim John Payne says, All kids are quirky. But when we add stress, those quirks can look like disorders.
• I dont need to get all shook up. I can be a consistent and strong mommie without reacting and getting frustrated.
• I dont need to change things up too much! Routine is a God-send to most kids. I can rely on our home to be a safe, predictable place.
• TV. Not. We have been watching way too much TV lately. Mostly Little Brother likes to use TV to soothe himself, but ultimately he ends up stressed out by it. TV is so visually stimulating that his brain cant process all of it. Stimulation overload!
• Dont provide too much of the wrong kind of shopping stimulus. Life should be 1950's calm and routine. I will try to say no to the three story, warehouse full of advertising stimulus superstore and go for small, calm shopping areas. Aldi is the grocery store I prefer because of its lack of clutter and junk. Mentally, I enjoy the limit of choices and the bank-cue style one-way-maze of aisles. Unfortnately, Aldi is carrying more toys, but only in one small section. We are not bombarded at each turn. Other shopping I can do at small local stores like our hardware store up the street that is the antithesis of a big box. And the Lebanese grocery that only carries flat bread, olives, cheese and a handful of canned and frozen ethnic foods. Or the little Indian emporium, filled with nicely organized bags of lentils, rice and spices.
• Say no to the wrong kind of playtime stimulus. Now that the weather is nice, play time outside is GOLD! A friend reminded me that nature deficit is real and that we all do better with unstructured time in nature. Simply allowing my son to play outside is helpful.
• I wont rely on toys to babysit my son's attentions. At least not so much of the highly manufactured and marketed toys. Some favorites have been legos, a Waldorf play set, a wooden castle set, and figurines. I am not going to allow my husband to continue (God love him!) to bring excess toys into the house. Let me rephrase that: My husband and I can have a talk and some cooperative time together deciding which toys can be gotten rid of...and how to set a toy embargo up. :)
• Somehow, I must say no to long playdates for a while. An hour or so is a great amount of time. More than that seems to be pushing Little Brother over the edge. This is tough, because he appears to be LOVING his playtime with others. But the aftershocks are deadly.
• I can say NO to too much computer time for myself. When I am consumed with the latest e-debate I brush off my children's needs. I can also say no to my own isolation. I dont have to do chores alone while the kids play. We can all work together, BE together. I dont like the estranging segregation that seems to have developed the past few months in our family. We are in this together.
• I can also say no to late evenings. Embracing a bedtime routine is something I have wanted for years. As a side note, with fibro and depression, I am exhausted by the end of the day. It is hard to muster up the energy to start the hours of bedtime routine. Unfortunately, I often am doing this by myself, as DH, God love him, is not a pitch-in kind of guy. But a good evening is going to help set up a good next day.
• And lastly, I will no longer tolerate a the directionlessness of  our reactive mornings. Mornings are tough because of our late evenings. But children and adults alike need purpose. I cant continue to deny my kids purpose in their mornings. I think they need and crave good work in their mornings, rather than free time.

Well, that and a trip to the doctor should do it. LOL! I am considering a trip to the doctor to see if something else is up. What could it be? I know Little Brother's legs ache all the time, just like his sister's at that age. With kids in the 90th percentile for height, they suffer real growing pains. I already give lots of back and leg rubs with lavender oil. Some sort of ongoing infection would have shown symptoms of fever or something by now. I have to look at our environment. My intuition says so.

I expect my son will be sensitive to stimulus all his life. But hopefully, he and I can learn to manage his environment in order to cope better. Despite my descriptions in this post, he is a beautiful and lovely child, caring and thoughtful, emotionally just as sensitive and receptive as physically. He thinks deeply and passionately, and his drive for fairness and kindness are amazing. I can also remember that boys tend to express themselves in terms of physical anger and power, where as girls tend to be... well more girly in their frustrations. So Little Brother's strong expression of his upset is normal for a boy and for him. (I had only sisters growing up so not much to compare to there)

Heavenly Father, I know you hold us securely in your arms. Your Good Shepherd guides us with his staff and lifts us into his embrace when we can no longer walk. Your Blessed Virgin constantly reminds you of our need, and Your Holy Spirit filters into us as Your Light. We are sealed with Your Light. Remind my family now- crack us over the head with your love! We forget so easily, yet You never do. Of all your graces, I ask that You grant us the graces of healing and loving one another, and that you make our path plain to us.

Our Father,
Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come! Marana Tha!
Thy Will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread- sweetest manna to quell the hunger of our greatest of burdens.
Forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us.
Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from all evil.
Amen.