It's easy unschooling when everything's going well, but what about when it's not? How do you maintain a sense of support and partnership when it seems like things are falling down around your ears? Share tales of unschooling through the rough stuff.
Some possible directions:
• How do you pick up the pieces when you've fallen down or fallen apart? How do you rebuild trust and security between family members (kids and/or spouses).
Two things to consider about this issue. Things DO fall apart in a 'homeschool' just as they do in all walks of life. And part of the falling apart and building things back up again IS the unschooling experience.
Traditional school has always struck me as too rigid, too perfect, too stable. Maybe that sounds crazy. After all, I have had parents tell me that "things are so crazy at home. At least the kids get stability at school." But should school's purpose be to undo possible family instability? I dont think so.
Schools are TOO stable, too controlled and too contrived. There is no room for real life to occur in a traditional school. A student cannot run late or she will be issued detentions. If she is absent with illness she is punished. A student who would benefit from more physical activity is likely to be the same child who loses his recess for 'misbehaving'. School schedules go on no matter what, as if all hell would break loose if there is any deviation from the plan.
Where is the humanity in this? Where is the human experience? Where are the ups and downs and the natural learning and growth? These things have not been written into the schedule. They are too scary, too unpredictable, and too immeasurable.
When things go awry with unschooling, I consider it all part of the experience. For example, today I finally and officially ran out of clean clothes. So did Little Brother. Keeping up with laundry is tough around here! Neither of us had any clothing to wear in order to go out today. If traditional school was part of our plan, it would have been a crisis. But instead it was a treat! We have had a jammie morning and Little Brother has had a lesiurely bath and played with Legos all day. He even got some time to play games on the BBC website. Then he came to me with a book of poetry he had dug out of our bookshelves and asked me to read to him. It sounds like things are going OK here. So the real life events that would create a crisis in a traditional school setting are actually helping my children to learn in a relaxed and flexible environment.
But sometimes the crisis is not as trivial as laundry. We have experienced some fairly traumatic events in our family's life; mental health issues, illness, a scary car accident... and during those times, it felt like life stopped for me. I know the children have been affected, but I dont believe that their lives stopped.
During one period of my life, I experienced a depression that paralyzed me. I could barely leave the couch to go to the bed. Getting a shower was an ordeal. I was sure I would permanently damage my children. If I could not be there to teach them, how would they continue on? And yet this is perhaps one of the best lessons I got in UNschooling. My children did continue on. They learned. Gobs. Yes, they had some lousy moments and they were afraid at times. But they also had an opportunity to expore a side of themselves they had not before. They discovered that they were strong.... and that when someone gets sick, they can get better.
At that time, a dear friend reminded me that even though I felt paralyzed, I was still growing and functioning. Like a winter field, I was not dormant, but rather fallow. A fallow field may appear non-functioning on the surface, but within it is regaining its strength, rebuilding itself at the tiniest level, in order to support verdant life in a few months. I could do this too. I could have my fallow time and be strong enough to contribute in a more recognizable way soon. And while I was fallow, my children were not! I learned that children learn best when they pick their own path. I had provided an environment of nurturing and richness. From that, the children felt safe and secure enough to glean a few seeds here and there. Those seeds were what I had strewn- good books, engaging toys and projects, natural objects, and chances to go out and explore. Had I cast them on fertile or fallow soil, eventually they would grow- assuming the child wished to nurture them.
Handling those times when things "fall apart" is not so much a strategy or a skill, but rather a way of being. I accept the ups and downs and regroup. I can trust that my children have within them what they need to continue growing and learning. In fact, it would take quite an abusive intervention to make them stop! Yes, I still have a role. I am wiser through life experience, and I am part of the relationship that all humans must have in order to function. But my role is also very much to step back and let the child lead. She doesnt have to be in charge of a whole family. But she can be in charge of herself- wherever she indicates she wants to handle it.
Maria Montessori indicated that children had two mantras. Help me to help myself. And Everything a child does is to make sense and order of her world. These sayings have become a great part of my unschooling philosophy. It means that a child requires nurturing and also requires support in doing for herself. It means that a child cannot be 'bad' or do 'bad' things if you understand that there is a need to make sense and order of their world. Guide her to more constructive ways of exploring if needed, but assume the best intention from your child and see what she was trying to accomplish.
We will continue to have great plans that fall apart. This is life. And unschooling is living this life and growing because of it. And I know we will all continue to grow because of the parts that fall down and are built back up again. We will always remember our town by the sea.
Today I read for Little Brother a Robert Louis Stevenson poem:
Block City
by Robert Louis Stevenson
What are you able to build with your blocks?
Castles and palaces, temples and docks.
Rain may keep raining, and others go roam,
But I can be happy and building at home.
Let the sofa be mountains, the carpet be sea,
There I'll establish a city for me:
A kirk and a mill and a palace beside,
And a harbour as well where my vessels may ride.
Great is the palace with pillar and wall,
A sort of a tower on the top of it all,
And steps coming down in an orderly way
To where my toy vessels lie safe in the bay.
This one is sailing and that one is moored:
Hark to the song of the sailors aboard!
And see, on the steps of my palace, the kings
Coming and going with presents and things!
Now I have done with it, down let it go!
All in a moment the town is laid low.
Block upon block lying scattered and free.
What is there left of my town by the sea?
Yet as I saw it, I see it again,
The kirk and the palace, the ships and the men,
And as long as I live and where'er I may be,
I'll always remember my town by the sea.
• How do you maintain a sense of abundance during "lean" times?
• How has unschooling sustained you and your family during a crisis?
• How do you get from feeling that your life is a shambles to confidence and contentment - on an emotional level, or when housework gets That bad.
• What kind of support have you found helpful during harder times? Family? Friends? Strangers?
• When have you been able to help someone else who is having a hard time? How has that informed your unschooling life?
The deadline for submissions is July 28 – please send links to your submissions to EnjoyLifeUnschooling@gmail.com
Look forward to reading your stories!
The crew at Enjoy Life Unschooling
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