Recently, I have been struggling with the messages that are given to me- and other single mamas- about how we should be and what we should do. My mother instilled the idea into me that a woman is worth nothing as a mother, and everything as a liberated, working, career woman. She let me know that she had considered aborting me and my sisters, that we were inconvenient in her life, and that she was resentful of us. Yes. Us. Her children.

So she's nuts. But she is also an extreme example of the product of her culture. So between her and many others out there, I get some skewed messages. But they still strike hard. Its all perfectly fine to be a stay at home mom if you are married. Its the best thing you can do for your kids.

But when you become single, you are supposed to arbitrarily accept that your kids' lifestyles are going to be substandard, that you MUST go back to work or school, and that the kids will have to deal with it. Ironic, considering that during a divorce and being in a single parent home is a time of high stress and need. A time when a child needs his mother more, not less.

So I strategies and compromised on how to remain a nurturing, attentive and involved mom to my kids during this life-altering transition. And I am doing it. I live on very little money. I can credit my frugality and financial savvy for providing us with a mostly paid off, conservative home. One trade off I dont enjoy is that I am on a medical card with the state. Yet, the cost of medical insurance is so disproportionate to anyone's income that I don't know who doesnt need help with that. My children are covered by the ex-husband's insurance. The fact is that I can choose to live a conservative lifestyle and make it on child support. But I cannot choose the snafu that is our medical system in this country.

Nevertheless, I am doing it. But... the guilt and shame I experience in hearing those messages every. single. day are resulting in me feeling frozen. The message: You should be working. (For 8 bucks an hour) You should just put your kids in school (where they will be sexually, emotionally and physically assaulted several times a day). You should go to school (where I will spend 6 years preparing for a job that isnt out there).

In the mean time, my kids are growing up without a father or a mother. Where is the sense in that? I will have the same problem of living in near-poverty, AND my kids will be acting out and stressed from an inner-city education, AND I won't be there to help them. 

It seems like people- in their attempts to use judgement to distance and protect themselves from the reality of this happening to them- need to 'punish' those in positions they find distressing. Somehow, this must be my fault. Because if a person is at fault for his situation, the they can be NOT at fault and get credit for their situation (which is bound to be better!) And if they cannot find the fault in how I got here, they must assume that at least the punishment, which is the other side of the fault coin, must be delegated. We KNOW she did something to deserve this. We can't figure out what it is, so let's at least establish the punishment for her faults. And that, I believe, is where people say things like, "Well, you'll have to tough it out now." "Your kids will have to deal with the consequences of your choices" etc. IN other words, because bad things are happening to you, you must deal with even more bad things. we MUST put you into a recognisable category so we can unilaterally dis-associate ourselves with your issues. If you deserve them, then we can say we dont deserve them. And that gives us the illusion of control over our lives.

So regardless of my rant, what I am figuring out is that somehow, I need to be ok with HOW I want to raise my kids, despite the messages to the contrary. Homeschooling is a strategy that is REALLY WORKING to meet the needs for connection, attachment and healthy functioning in our family. And I am not giving that up.  

I needed to get my thoughts on this out. Sometimes when I am trying to think straight, and my thoughts are all jumbled, I take a paper and fold it in halves until I end up with 32 rectangles. And then in each rectangle I put down a thought, randomly. No order. Anything goes. This is what I ended up with. 

Notes on Being the Mama I Always Wanted To Be

Quit hiding and own my situation.

Be houseproud.

Remember how I felt in the house in Toulon- 1994-2006

Dream of starting a small business

Be OK with my lack of education/degree.

Long term plans? Take time to think about this.

College in 2018?

Be OK with my income and financial situation.

Embrace my kids as they are and where they are.

Be able to stay home and be a full time mom.

Have purpose in my day- Focus on that purpose. (figure out wtf that purpose is)

I need a reason to get up in the morning and start my day.

Need something to look forward to in general.

Dream ideal: Mrs. Muir and her English cottage

Live frugally, but plan ahead to create predictability.

Prep Gwen for college.

Allow/help Gwen pursue singing- voice lessons?

Make homeschooling and parenting my JOB.

Have a nice, comfy, affordable home.
Have a ong term financial plan, as opposed to living week to week.

Finish decluttering.

All things hinge around parenting and homeschooling. 

Not worry about working or money, or society/family messages about how I SHOULD be/do.

Homeschool through high school.

Get my house and yard the way I want it to be.

Get on a day schedule- enjoy the mornings

Be PROUD of my lifestyle and VALUE what I am doing for my kids.

Go to Mass

Physical health- current strategy: Treadmill

A personal hobby/interest for ME

Early bedtimes.

Create routine and keep it.

Realize that THIS is IT.