Couldnt Sleep At All Last Night

So a friend once told me that if I am having a sleepless night, I can offer up my *suffering* for those mothers in the world who are needing comfort and prayers. Since then, I try to pray during those hours of sleeplessness.

Sometimes the awakeness is due to external circumstances; a child is sick, a bed is wet, a cat is divebombing the pillow... Sometimes it is my anxiety causing cycling and incessant thoughts that will not turn off. For my own mental health, and for the benefit of my relationship with God, prayer is helpful for both situations.

Last night, I had two wound up children, still coming off the high of a sleep over the night before! It was nearly midnight before they were settled down and asleep. And sure enough, three short hours later, the cats began to protest their meager food rations for the day. Their most effective language is that of the whole, integrated body-speak: this in the form of leaping on one's feet under the covers, leaping on one's pillow from as high a vantage possible, or the more sublte approach of walking on one's ribs with pokey little cat paws which, despite the svelt 8 pounds of cat-flesh can focus up to 30 pounds of pressure per pointy toe.

I was awake, and the children were stirring with protest. So, off to feed the cat a few morsels, potty myself and Little Brother. Back in bed, my mind is awake.

So I spent some time addressing some of my thoughts... Writing down a few things on the calendar that I had forgotten to record. I pulled out my little notebook I keep for confession and jotted down some things. And that got me to reflecting on my parenting over the last year.

I know that I can do better than I have been doing. I have allowed anger to strike more often and more swiftly. I have not been as compassionate, patient, gentle or forgiving as I would like to be. I have turned into a comparitive tyrant in many ways, refusing to negotiate or hear a child's point of view. Still, in many ways I am ahead of the game when I compare myself to the standard of parenting promoted in today's culture. But... I am torn inside, and so are my children. I have changed my parenting this past year or so- since my husband and I had so much trouble in our marriage and have attempted to heal. I am protecting my tender self from that pain, but allowing it to affect my relationship with my children. UNFAIR!

I can do better. My will can get me part of the way. But God's will is that which wants this peace for my family in the first place, so I can submit myself to it. I pray for God to have mercy on me, deepen my faith, my mercy, my patience, my meekness, and my compassion. I spent two hours last night in prayer for myself and others. Upon waking this prayer is still alive in me.