1. The church had masses at 7am, 8am, 11am, noon, and 5pm, then the sister parish had another mass at 7pm. From what I could tell, all the masses were filled to capacity. Why is Ash Wednesday a *popular* mass? Is it the free ashes? LOL!
This day isnt even a Holy Day of Obligation. People come because they *want* to. Is this part of the deal? We LIKE to attend a neat mass when it is completely OUR choice, not imposed by a greater authority?
Or is it that Catholics enjoy a day when they get to be marked as Christians without having to say a word? We are told not to 'brag' about our ashes and our Lenten works. But the ashes are like a badge saying, "I am Christian. I am Catholic." It feels good not to have to proselytize in order to 'tell' people that I have a relationship with the church and with God.
Fr. Larry spoke on rending our hearts, not our garments today at the exceedingly popular Ash Wednesday Mass. I recalled:
2. Purim and Queen Esther's story, where she rends her garments and covers herself with ash to express her deep, deep grief. Her people, the Jewish people, are being slaughtered by the king-aka her husband! King Ahaserus does not know Esther is Jewish. He does not see the humanity of Jews until he understands that they are human just like his wife. Esther's response to being seen as less than human is *heart rending* but she shows us, and her community by covering herself with ashes and rending her garments. Quite literally, she tore her clothes up, tore her hair, and made herself look dead and burnt. What a touching and beautiful way to show on the outside what she felt on the inside.
3. Our hearts must go through a transformation in order for us to grow in our relationship with God. Rending our garments, or looking a certain way on the outside, is not enough. The change must be internal. Fr. Larry suggested that rending one's heart is not destroying the heart, but rather cracking it open in a sense. Breaking it down and feeling the pain in order to discover the wholeness and perfection within. This is perfection that we gain as seedsin Baptism, according to Sofia Cavelletti, and as a growing vine in Confirmation. I think of a seed encased in a shell- like a sunflower seed. The shell must break after it is planted within the dirt, so that the plant itself can emerge. Neat, huh?
4. This is an excerpt from my recovery journal. I think it speaks for itself in regards to rending one's heart.......
"Let me tell you about some spiritual experiences I had as I ‘blew’ into recovery. When a certain friend told me about the rape she endured, something physically happened to me. It sounds weird, so bear with me. As she spoke, and as I understood she was talking about rape, I became aware that my heart had been encased in an iron cage for 20 years. Even though I knew that I would not see any metal if you cracked open my chest, I simultaneously knew that my heart was coated with iron. The spiritual-emotional image and sensation was as real as the room you are sitting in. A week later, I attended a yoga class. As I performed some twists, I literally and sensorially witnessed the metal encasement of my heart cracking and breaking apart. I felt and heard a popping in my sternum from the twists. But I also felt, in a very real way, my heart breaking free. I envisioned a key simply touching my heart-cage, and the cage cracking open like doors swinging free and falling off.
That night, I spoke to my yoga friends as though I was a pre-programmed robot. I was completely dissociated, running on autopilot. I went home, functioned until my husband left for work on the graveyard shift, and then I began to perform the ritual of self-harm I had begun again over the past few months. I was mortified that this self-harm ritual had begun again, after having stopped for nearly 20 years. But it had begun again with the flashbacks and rape stories. It was compulsive and I couldn’t ‘do enough’. I was terrified someone would find out and I was very careful about
hiding it. The thought of my children discovering this was like death, and yet I
could not stop."
I have not told everyone of my history of self-harm. I hope it will not be upsetting to read about it here, and I hope that people can take comfort in knowing that with therapy and prayer, self-harm can end. Forever. But that is the point... DONT rend your garments. Dont wear your pain on the outside as those who self-harm do. Allow the transformation to be felt, however painful, in your heart. God WILL free and cleanse your heart. I have seen how He takes blackness and evil and diminishes it to nothingness in His LIGHT.
5. My children and I received communion for the first time in our home parish! We celebrated a special mass for our family at another parish this weekend; the children were baptised and received first communion, I received first communion and was confirmed, and my husband and my marriage was validated. We chose to do this at the parish (St. Joseph) of a wonderful priest, Fr. V, who has worked with me and my family for the past...two years, if I count right. We could not imagine entering the church anywhere else, even though our home parish at Sacred Heart is 30 miles from St. Joseph.
Never-the-less, it felt grand to fully 'belong' in our own parish today. I felt some true ownership in my parish. The children's attitude toward the mass is evolving too. It becomes more and more our home. I think, despite the large congregation, the priests are begining to remember our faces. We attend a lot of day time masses as homeschoolers, and there arent many children. I guess we stand out a little. :)
6. It was a delight today to wake up to a bathroom floor covered completely in clean ceramic tile rather than 8 inches of dirty laundry! DH tossed the laundry down to the basement this morning before he left for work. What a huge help. What he can do in five minutes is amazing. It seems to take me hours longer to deal with laundry. He has no emotional attachment or angst about laundry like I do.
He extended his surprise by going to mass by himself this evening. Normally, DH is not a mass goer, unless slightly pressured. I did not expect him to go at all today and so thought nothing of taking the kids alone earlier in the day. But when we got home from a day out and about, DH was dressed and heading out the door for the 5:15! I am so proud of him. I know this is not easy for him, but he is growing. Part of that growth is finding his place in this family. He often feels marginalized, as he was conditioned in childhood. Slowly, slowly, he discovers his role. Every fit feels so wonderful!
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