Power Over vs. EMpowered

I have been reading a good book recently. (Do I ever read bad books?)
I have only gotten a few chapters in, but I love the realizations and premise of this author's view on abusive or controlling people.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans

Lets see if I can explain it concisely...

There exist (at least) two kinds of power: Personal Power and Power Over.
Those who live in the world of PP (Personal Power) tend to generally work WITH others, have a long term vision of equality and cooperation; they 'co-create' when they are with others rather than competing with them.


PO (Power Over) types- they live and breathe hierarchy, rules, winners and losers. The way PO types look at the world is like being at war...needless to say, this type of belief system can lead to abuse very easily. I think of Viktor Frankl who noted in Man's Search for Meaning that there seemed to be those people who became self-centered and competitive while under the stress of the concentration camps, and those who remained communal, equitable and caring. Guess who is a PP and who is a PO.

The author, Evans, uses Alice Miller's model of the poisonous pedagogy to explain how Power Over systems are passed down through culture and families. And yet, every child raised in a PO culture or family does not turn out a PO. Often, they turn out very much to be a PP. However, being raised in the PO environment, the PP person has acceptance of the PO's language and way of going about things. She thinks that PO looks like everyone who raised her, so it isnt unusual. Sadly, the PP assumes that the PO lives in the same world as she- that the demands, cries of winner and loser, and outright abusive behavior- is something that the PP can reason with. She assumes the best intentions of cooperation, compassion and expression of need from the PO.

And yet inside, the PP is slowly becoming damaged by the abusive treatment she doesnt recognize.

Evans goes on to describe a chapter's worth of descriptions of real-life PPs and POs. You will know them. The live all around you. They are normal people...and suddenly, I can pinpoint why I have conflict and disappointment with certain people in my life.

I assume that everyone is PP. That is my world! How can anyone be any different? I have studied NonViolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg), I have learned about Metta-Karuna ala the Buddha, I have taken Jesus- my Good Shepherd- to heart. These are all PP models of living. So even when I see someone who is PO, I tend to think they are simply not in touch with the PP side of themselves. I believe that by living the best components of a PP life, the PO will find that place in himself.

I did this with my husband for seventeen years.

Sometimes it doesnt work.

Because ultimately, another person must want to change. And for the PO, often the idea of change is equated with failure. And he cannot be a loser. He must win, even at the cost of everything he has or is.

This is depressing as hell. I dont know what else to say. There is some joy in discovering answers, but then deflation in accepting the reality- a resistance to change. A resistance to anything wonderful or shared or cooperative or co-creative.

It stinks. But it is out of my control. God, I give you permission to take over! (HA!) As if I ever was in charge in the first place.