TOP TEN REASONS I AM HAVING EXISTENTIAL ANGST

TOP TEN REASONS I AM HAVING EXISTENTIAL ANGST


and possibly a few bonus reasons.


1. My husband of 20 years acquaintance has been abusive in more ways than I can list here and has escalated especially in the past five years, stolen money from our family to a point where the children and I ate from the same bag of lentils for a week at a time while he spent HUNDREDS of dollars on DVDs, comic books, and I don’t know what else.


2. And my husband doesn’t believe he did anything wrong- still doesn’t, still continues to abuse me and the kids. I have to live a life, and subject my kids to a life where he and his lies exist and affect us every day.

3. As a ‘single’ parent I find that I have very few resources to survive. No income, no education, very little social understanding for my situation, social denial of abuse and the needs of women and children.

4. My friend of 10 years turns out to be a narcissistic, sociopathic bitch, who has used me, stolen money from me, been cruel to my children, made a profit off of my volunteerism, and claimed credit for many of my intellectual ideas, my projects, and my contributions. In addition, she wont acknowledge the abuse my children and I suffered under my husband, and her husband threatened me and called me psychologically unstable. She has told lies about me and gossiped about my hardships.

5. I have Catholic friends who I thought were going to be cool who are just a bunch of obnoxious, right-wing fascist bastards.

6. I have UU friends who totally fucking ditched me when they found out I like Jesus, some UU friends who I discovered really hated me and are letting everyone know it, and two UU acquaintances who specifically informed me that they hate me and everyone like me because we are Christian.

7. My close friend  moved out of state at a point when I really needed support and close proximity to a friend. Some of my other friends have been more distant simply because life is complicated. I don’t see any friends much any more.

9. Greg died.

10. I lost the home I prepared for FIFTEEN years as a nest to raise my babies in, and ended up with a far smaller and less desirable home that doesn’t have the room we need. I built it all up by myself, despite a husband who resisted and destroyed everything he could, and with one fell swoop he finally destroyed it all. Everything I had accomplished for HIM, for our children, for our family.
11. Even though my home is smaller, I can barely keep it up- I have lost my sense of ‘house-proud’ness.

12. My friend’s husband MOLESTED her daughter, yet the legal system is fucking her over big time and putting that child right back into the hands of her abuser. And this is no exception but is the RULE for our culture. Women try to protect their children are freak psychologists and lawyers say that the mother is causing Parental Alienation Syndrome. There is a belief in our culture that says a child is better off with her parent EVEN if he is raping her.

13. Women are definitely the nigger of the world. I see it every day.

14. Politics and social issues are overwhelming me. Everyone is fighting and dehumanizing one another.

15. I am applying for wel-fucking-fare.

16. My dog is dead and I have a low tire on my car.

I sit here minute after minute debating. Do I click the "publish" button or not. Who will I offend? Will i create controversy? And you know what? Today I dont give a flying fuck. I really dont. If you are TRULY my friend, you know me and can handle it. You will talk to me and try to understand me- see where I am coming from. And if not, it really doesnt matter anyway. I dont need anyone else in my life who refuses to see the reality of my life. Lets keep it simple for all of us.

I never used to believe in evil. The irony is that I see it now...and all too often in the hearts of those people who claim to be against evil. I am discovering that people who occasionally do bad things are just people. But the real evil is in those who claim to be one thing but deceive others for their own purposes- even the purpose of appearing saintly. Sanctimonious bastards.

And if you are reading this...dont worry. Chances are that I am not even talking about you. Its one or two people in this world that ruin the whole damn thing. Shake my reality; add crisis to my understanding of existence. Dont worry. Its *probably* not about you at all.