Am I Left Empty or Full?

Today, I found out that a dear friend died. We had a unique relationship- one that left people asking ethical questions. He was 60. Me 20 years younger. We met in his office as he offered me compassionate empathy for my difficult marriage. My husband is bioplar. Back then, he was mean a lot. G taught me about Carl Rogers. He taught me what true empathy was. He taught me patience, and faith, and hope.

He taught me to know myself. To find my intuition again- and to listen to it. As I began to know myself, I understood that I had depression and anxiety, and trauma from rape and abuse in a three year relationship that left me numb for twenty. G stood by me, held me up, taught me how to hold myself up. I spent some intense years in therapy with him.

He was a perfect gentleman. Edwardian, even. But something happened that is not supposed to happen. G and I clicked. We could not help becoming friends. We were careful to maintain professional boundaries.

When he left his office for a new job, I was no longer able to get insurance coverage under his care. I learned to walk on my own. It was hard and he was sorry. But he also knew God had a plan and that we would both be OK.

No longer patient and client, we allowed ourselves, carefully, to meet for coffee and talk about religion. I got to spend a year being friends with G. Thank you God. I cherish that year. Because this past weekend, G died of complications from diabetes. No one expected it, although no one was terribly surprised. G gave all of himself to everyone else. He forgot to give to himself. He thought he did not need to mind his body because he was too intent on caring for others.

I am a little bit mad at you, G. I wanted you to take care of yourself so you could live longer. But mostly, I am happy. I know that you are in heaven. This is all you talked about- wanting to do God's will. And now you can do God's will without the contraints of a body to care for. I know that you can say prayers for all of your clients for all of the 30-some years, because you are with Jesus now. It is what you wanted.