Physical Fever; Soul Fever

As it might be stated in lol.cats, "I haz 'em!"

Physical Fever; Soul Fever

"I haz 'em!"

Ok. Thanks for entertaining me there with the kitties. :) But I do have them. Today, I woke up with a rotten cold to follow up with my soul sadness that began last night. Yesterday evening, my family received some news that a person we hoped would be Big Sis' godmother, cannot do so. Despite her desire and our desire, God's will is not unfolding the way we thought it would. She will be a spiritual mother to Big Sis, mostly out of choice. But the role of Godmother must be filled by someone else.

I am sad. My heart aches. My soul is fevered. This appointment felt very right, but for reasons I cannot fully comprehend, another door must be opened to us. I am trying to transform my disappointment into hope. In the mean time, my heart has a job to do: feel the futility of my former plan so it can unlock and feel the hope in God's plan. It hurts.

And while tossing and turning last night, my dreams and thoughts about the Godmother issue, and the intermittent praying of my rosary during waking moments began to complicate themselves with a physical sensation. My throat began to ache, my head throbbed and my sinuses burned. More than a dry winter night in Illinois- this is a cold. A virus. A physical fever.

I awoke at 4:30 in the morning, followed by a five AM rising of Big Sis. We chatted, did some school work, and finally, I made a sign for myself. It says, hanging on a prominent kitchen cabinet: Interestingly, for the past three days, I have been voraciously reading Kim John Payne's Simplicity Parenting. Two friends have picked up the book and were visibly affected by the message. I had to get my hands on it! I did actually wait til DH's payday to run out and buy the book. And despite the offensive books and advertising at Barnes & Noble, I still bought the book, even though I wanted to boycott the store.
My highlighter is running out of ink.
Payne says that we can treat a 'soul fever' or emotionally upset mood, the same way as we treat a physical fever- a cold. For each stage of caring for the soul fever, Payne precededs it with a reminder of how we treat a physical fever.
For example: If your child wakes up with a fever, the first thing you do is cancel school, appointments, ball practice. You bring her close to you, or snuggle her up at home, and give her special attention. Simplified attention like chicken broth instead of casserole and a favorite story book instead of an academic novel.
With a soul fever you should do the same. If your child is persistent in her off mood, you can keep her home from school, skip the party at Chuck E. Cheese, keep her with you for the day and chat about your childhood stories. Often a weekend of this makes the difference between resiliency from a soul fever and outright crisis in the classroom.
But here is the problem. While for most of us, knowing how to deal with a physical sickness is a no-brainer, for me, it is a mystery to be solved. As a child, and as a young adult, I never knew what it was to be cared for in these ways. A physical fever was something to push yourself through. Pain is just weakness leaving the body. I didnt have permission to be sick. And a soul fever... well, even though a great deal of my childhood WAS a soul fever, I had no understanding of the concept, nor did my parents. If I was feeling 'off', the armchair analysis would start up. She is having a Freudian response to her sexual jealousy of her mother. It is one of those humorous and demeaning conditions these shameful children grow through. She has penis envy. She is having dreams of burgeoning sexual maturity....
I quickly learned to keep my soul fevers to myself, even while it was a completely unconscious act.
I read what Payne says about treating the physical fever, and I am amazed! I am learning as much about caring for a cold as I am for the emotional upsets!
And I am learning to do the same for myself that I do for my children.
Last month, I had the stomache flu. My response to being 'out of control' is often a panic attack- a doozy that can last days with weeks of anxious reverberations. While this has gotten better over the past 2 years, it still completely controls me. I spoke with my therapist, Susan, about it. "I cant have a freakin' panic attack every time I am sick! This is crazy! Help me work this out."
So, we are systematically going through my earliest memories of 'being out of control' in order to reframe them. Give me some choice over how I want to respond to this stimulus. I began to realize that I was missing something major in being sick. I had NO idea how to be cared for, or how to care for myself. My method up until recently was to tough it out and keep moving on.
And until my middle 30's I could pull that off. But now at nearly 40, I find that I cannot work right through a nasty cold. My body will not let me. The panic sets in. I am not in control of how I handle this situation and that is scary as hell.
But, with Payne's book and with Susan's prompting, I am learning. Guess what? I get to slow down and embrace being at home with my children. We can do SIMPLE things like read together, watch a toddlery video like "Little Bear" and even do paper crafts and coloring. We can take naps together and enjoy lots of herbal tea with toast! And I can ask DH to pick up the groceries and take out the garbage. And apparently, I can spend some time blogging! After nearly 40 years, I am learning that being sick- soul or physical- can mean a chance at comfort and ease.
I dont have to feel guilt. Its amazing.
Heavenly Father~
Your Will is so SIMPLE. Why do I make it so hard? Help me to slow down, enjoy the feel of cuddling with my children. Allow me to glimpse your glory in the gentleness of simplicity. I want to do Your Will, but without the confusion of my wants! St. Therese of the Child Jesus, pray for my family, all the families we come into contact with in our life, and especially for the Sisters of the Community of St. John.