Why I Cant Sleep At Night

We often wonder how those people in our lives who do horrible things to others can sleep at night. Doesnt their conscience gnaw at them in the dark, quiet hours?

I am afraid the answer is No. They are not bothered much by their malicious actions enough to toss and turn in their beds. They dont feel guilt the way most of us do. If they did experience guilt they would not do the things they do in the first place.

It ends up being those who are targeted who are sleepless. The person who becomes subject to the abuser's wrath and deception. Those of us with consciences, who try endlessly to make that person happy, to work out all conflicts, to bring peace to offensive situations. We are the ones who remain sleepless, mulling over how we might have done better. That is a trait of a person of normal conscience. We seek resolution to conflict. We see others as fully human. We mistakenly assume the BEST of the other person, and never the worst. We assume that if something has gone wrong, it must be our own doing. We feel guilt.

Unfortunately, we are being decieved. And at the risk of sounding flat out paranoid, I will say that these decievers are all around us. They are people who are so clever and fluent in the language of empathy, yet never feel it. They can recognize a good heart from miles off, homing in on it to squeeze and manipulate. Why? Because they can. Its all about control and power.

That seems absurd to most of us. We are not motivated by power over others. We are motivated through more or less cooperative relationships that ultimately build up a better family, community or country. We find it incredibly hard to accept that anyone out there can be so power hungry that they do not fit into our schema. Which is why they get along with ab-using our kindness and generousity for so long. We just cant believe that about another person.

But I assure you they are out there.

So I wonder why I cant sleep at night. My God.

In the last year, I have discovered that two major figures in my immediate community are NOT who I thought them to be. One was my husband, who for years abused me and my children. For years, I refused to believe that he could truly be motivated by power and control. I HAD to believe that there was something good and Godly inside of him. Something that was light and moral. I could not conceive otherwise. Finally, after nearly 20 years of abuse, it clicked for me. He is never going to get better because he does not want to get better. He does not believe that he has a problem. Everything is just the way he likes it. He gets what he wants, has no responsiblities, and can, when bored, use me and his children as playthings to manipulate and boost his ego. He is narcissistic and uncaring. He has no empathy. He is also very good at looking like the victim as well as "just a nice guy!"

Which is why he did such horrible things to us. He was a victim and a nice guy. Perfectly logical.

The other person was a friend of nearly a decade. She and I had similarly aged children and interests. Little did I understand that there is a subtle difference in how an abusive person and a 'normal' person perceives friendship. The normal person gets a kick out of discovering similarities with another. They are kindred spirits! They form a bond of trust and support. An abuser discovers that those things in common are really more like resources that the abuser can exploit. There is no equality, but rather a constant masked dance to TAKE from the other person. When those resources run out, the 'friend' is ditched or belittled, or even worse, goaded to suck themselves dry in order to create more resources by which to be accepted.

The MOMENT I expressed my concerns to this friend, she got mean and nasty. Her husband began to threaten me. And upon contacting other 'former friends' I discovered that this is a pattern of at least 15 years that I can track. Friend after friend exploited, emotionally blackmailed, and then shunned. And each friend, interestingly, is terrified to speak publicly about their experience. Even I am.

Which brings me back to my husband. Both he and my former friend would tell me how others in their life had exploited THEM! How THEY were the victim of uncaring friends or partners. My husband told me how every woman he ever dated did him wrong. And so did my friend!

I am ashamed that it took me so long to figure out something was wrong. My intuition kept telling me. But I pushed it down in order to be a good Christian, a good person. ]

I see how others and myself react, by silencing ourselves, trying to just lay low. We have real fears. Not only of retaliation from the abusers themselves, but of the blatant social message surrounding us: You LET them abuse you. Its somehow, in some twisted way, YOUR FAULT.

Or better yet: You must be exaggerating. Or, You are being paranoid. Or, It takes two to tango! You are just as guilty as your husband.

People dont want to hear about abuse. I witness this over and over again. Its hard to accept that a husband can be abusive, and even harder to get that a friend, co-worker, employer, doctor... could be abusive. After all, you voluntarily entered this relationship. It must be in some part your fault.

There is much to consider. And I wonder why I cannot sleep at night.

Some nights, I want to phone every friend I have and say "Stay away from SoAndSo! She is dangerous! Please be careful. She seems so nice at first and then you find yourself doubting your every move, constantly trying to please her!"

I want to call all my friends, especially my family, and scream, "Dont you understand what he did!? To me? To his OWN KIDS!?"

I just want to be known. And I want the truth to be spoken.

Yet there is still a part of me that cant get past the idea of slandering another person. Even if what I say is not slander, but the truth. This is that conscience speaking again, telling us that SURELY there is some good left in these people! Dont give up! Maybe you can do the right thing and all will be healed.

Typical. Its always the target of abuse who is willing to do just one more thing to make things right, while the abuser goes out of his or her way to torment us.

Why dont I tell the full truth. I mean I let little bits leak out here and there. But the entire truth? Why am I afraid? Is it wrong to tell each person who knows my former friend to be careful? Is that gossip? Will they think I am crazy? Lying? I dont know. But I am very reluctant to say too much. It feels freaky-scary and liberating to post this on a blog that nobody reads.

Maybe its not my job. I dont know. But it keeps me up at night, knowing that my husband is taking advantage of his family, exploiting their resources and still managing to financially abuse me and emotionally abuse the children, even though he lives an hour away. It keeps me up at night knowing that my former friend works with families and young children, is constantly making new 'friends' to add to her list of resources. I know that some of them will be deeply hurt by her. Where is my responsibility? How far does it go?

I am up right now considering these things. Truly haunted by them, here at 1:02 am, on a Wednesday night, when I should be fast asleep.

No wonder I cant sleep.